When I am a Great Poet

Someday that will be me.

Among the poets and their paint brushes

Among their rhythmic symphonies.

I too will reach into the darkness

And pull on the lose strings

Of that wondrous flying carpet.

I will brush the dust

Off the picture of the woman

Who could be my

Great, great, great

Grandmother.

I too will tap endlessly

The keys of formation

And draw upon the mystery

Of my magic wand.

My tongue will dance

Among the shapes

That make the sounds.

My ears will hear

Soft songs and

Roarous tones

Through my history and hope for tomorrow.

My heart will swell inside my chest

And squeeze dew from my eyes

As I see what I have never seen before

But had always known was there.

Broken and Beautiful

"Poison & Wine" by the Civil Wars is one my favorite songs of the year and the video is beautiful.

Brandi Carlile, Oolong Mimosa and William Zinsser

What can I say about October? I feel like I had to fight to get through the month. The daily routine of traveling by bus to the tops of the many Seattle hills for school and doctor appointments and work and friends got the best of me. And it gets dark. 4:30. 4:30! It was black outside! I’m glad the weather seems to have lifted a bit the last to week reveal the glowing shades of trees and the sweet smells of apples, persimmons, pomegranates and pears.

What new things did I explore in October? OO…well, I feel like I got back on track with my goals.

Café: Miro Tea on Ballard Ave. WOW! I’m obsessively in love with this teahouse! My favorite is the Java Mate. It’s rich and smooth and has little shavings of coffee beans in it. I’m also in love with the Oolong Mimosa: Oolong Black tea, Sparkling water, orange juice, basil.

Restaurant: La Isla, Ballard. I had wanted to dine in this Ballard restaurant for quite some time. My friend Alison and I, in search of margaritas, found our way there after a movie. It was affordable and DELICIOUS!

New Thing: The Paramount Theater is one of Seattle’s long-standing establishments. This month I found myself with some old and new friends for the Katie Herzig and Brandi Carlile concert. One word: PHENOMINAL! Here’s a video J The person who took this video had much better seats that I did…

BOOKS: 1) On Writing Well, Zinsser 2) Doomsday Book, Willis 3) Short Stories: “Speech Sounds”, Buttler & “Damascus”, Gregory 4) What We Do Know, Mary Oliver

The Lonely Nun

“Broken sticks and broken stones

Will turn to dust just like our bones

It's words that hurt the most now isn't it

Are you sad inside, are you home alone

If I could just pick up the phone

Maybe you could see a better day

And you won't waste away

under my watchful eye

Because I'm your hero and you're my weakness

Who's gonna break my fall

When the spinning starts

The colors bleed together and fade

Was it ever there at all

Or have I lost my way

The path of least resistance

Is catching up with me again today”

-Brandi Carlile “Again Today"

I have a theory about my blood type. I’m an O positive, which means I can give blood to everyone, but can only receive it from fellow O positives. I am a person who feels things very deeply and I expel a fair amount of emotion on the people and things I love. I’ve gone through plenty of seasons when I wondered if anyone realized that no one was giving me life.

I have felt invisible a lot in life, though it has not always been a negative feeling. I’ve been going through a phase the last few weeks of feeling very lonely, honestly very unloved. A few weeks ago a bunch of friends cancelled on me and I ended up doing things by myself that I would have enjoyed sharing. I subconsciously stopped asking friends to hang out. I waited three weeks during which my friends and I were super busy, so when I say I understand I truly mean it.

What I noticed more than anything was the feeling of being unloved. I started to wonder if anyone would really ever understand how I love to be loved? I was wondering if I was missing how people loved me?

How am I blind to how people love me? How am I blind to how to love my friends in a way they love? Instead of being super bummed I decided to sow what I wanted to reap. I was discussing my feelings with a friend and she was telling me she had been feeling the same. How sad is it that we are surrounded by people we consider our friends and we still feel so lonely? Later I gave her some chocolate. Something simple, that I know from experience feels like the world. Shortly after friends started calling and I have had some amazing times with old and new friends the last week.

Love takes energy. Some people are easy to love and some are harder. We all have our own moments of being both. It’s hard to give love when we feel so depleted ourselves. But we love anyway because otherwise we feel like we will die. But I need the love to give back. I need to be hugged. I need flowers. I need random lovely texts. I learned this month I need to love and be loved to survive and survive is what I plan to do.

photo: flickr.com/photos/borkodinus/3803172145/

September Came and Went...

My alternative approach to life has sent me around the world and amazing journeys and has brought me to Seattle, a place where I am happy and excited to plant myself. Now, after all my travels and experiences, I find myself rooted in this amazing city and studying writing. I started college and I’m soaking in every bit of wisdom I am gleaning!

All the things I was told were true. I have no time to read or write anything that is not for school. I’ve just spent the last five hours in a teashop in Ballard doing homework and have reached a point where I need to do something else. I’m so far ahead on my homework that I can write for my own good and not just a grade.

Here’s a quick update on my September goals. I feel behind the books, but my October list will more than make up it ;).

Books

1) A History of God, Karen Armstrong

2) A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, Donald Miller

Café: Café Fiore, Ballard. If you want a place full of bearded men, this is it. Good coffee, beautiful café, delightful music, many beards.

Restaurant: Odd Fellows, Capitol Hill. I had the BLT and Ester had this fantastic salad of organic greens and duck. UH…WOW!

Thing: I went to College!

That was my September. The change of season has brought the rain and the revelation of my dreams to work toward being a “real” writer. I’m excited to write my October update as the first two weeks have been the most exciting of my year yet! Stay tuned….

The Freelance, Unconventional...Monk???

*8 Things: Songs on the Soundtrack of My Life

Music. I love it. I’ve often said that in my head my life is a musical complete with spontaneous, choreographed dance numbers. So when Magpie Girl gave us our list inspiration of the week I didn’t even know where to start breaking down the musical chapters of my life. These are the moments I thought through and searched for the songs that best describe them.

1. Real Music: “Turn, Turn, Turn” by The Byrds. I was in jr. high when I feel in love with the movie Forest Gump and it’s remarkable soundtrack. I promptly bought a Byrds greatest hits album. I don’t think my father has ever forgiven me for the countless hours I made him listen to the Byrds and Dylan.

2. First Spiritual Turning Point: “Resolution” by The O.C. Supertones. The most significant spiritual turning point in my life happened at fourteen when I decided that I wanted to be a Christian. The Supertones were also the beginning of my love of ska, which would define 1999-2005 for me.

3. Human Rights: “Walk On” by U2. Bono knows he can’t save the world all by himself and this album informed me just how much there is to do and how much I didn’t know about. What actually changed me more than anything was the little note somewhere in the booklet that came with the cd talking about a prisoner in Burma that the song was dedicated to. I looked the situation up on the Internet and my focus has been on global justice issues since.

4. Upon the Burning Down of My House, April 1, 2005: “A Rush of Blood To The Head” by Coldplay. I woke up to smoke alarms and spent the day watching my apartment building burning down. Every line in this song has a meaning to me surrounding this event, probably one of the most significant I will ever experience.

5. Moving to New Zealand: “Departure” by Madison Greene. In 2004 I was helping run a concert venue and the guy who ran the place, brought in Madison Greene on my birthday. This is my favorite of their songs and they played it for me during the show. It meant so much and defined the next big journey I would be on. “I had plans here for myself/now I’m packing my bags and I’m headed away/down the river with the Spirit of God/following God the rest of the way. “

6. Most Traumatic Experience: “All I Can Say” by David Crowder Band. I would rather not go into too much detail, but this one event challenged everything in me more than anything I can imagine. It was the next great hinge on which my life would swing and nothing would be the same. “Oh did you see me crying? / Oh and did you hear me call your name?/Wasn’t it you I gave my heart to?/ I wish you’d remember where you set it down./ This is all I can say right now/ I know it isn’t much.”

7. Bouncing Back: “Big Old World” by Kate York and “Refuge” by Matthew Perryman Jones. These two songs must me used together as one tells of the utter letting go of strength. “I’d rather just kill all the strength you’re handing to me/ I’m weak and unsettled/ as I look to the cross/ Oh how will I manage this unbearable loss?” “Refuge” tells of hanging onto some kind of faith in the midst of “throwing punches in the dark.”

8. Moving to Seattle and All Things After: “When It Don’t Come Easy” by Patty Griffin. Upon my arrival in Seattle and the befriending of Nicole I met Patty. Both women have changed my life and for most of the last year Patty is the only thing that has made sense. “I don’t’ know nothing except change will come/ year after year what we do is undone/time gets moving from a crawl to run/ I wonder if we’re gonna ever get home/ you’re out there walking down a highway/ and all the signs got blown away/ sometimes you wonder if you’re walking in the wrong direction/ but if you break down/I’ll drive out and find you.”

Enjoy ;)

Be inspired by Magpie Girl and join *8 Things yourself!