The Lonely Nun

“Broken sticks and broken stones

Will turn to dust just like our bones

It's words that hurt the most now isn't it

Are you sad inside, are you home alone

If I could just pick up the phone

Maybe you could see a better day

And you won't waste away

under my watchful eye

Because I'm your hero and you're my weakness

Who's gonna break my fall

When the spinning starts

The colors bleed together and fade

Was it ever there at all

Or have I lost my way

The path of least resistance

Is catching up with me again today”

-Brandi Carlile “Again Today"

I have a theory about my blood type. I’m an O positive, which means I can give blood to everyone, but can only receive it from fellow O positives. I am a person who feels things very deeply and I expel a fair amount of emotion on the people and things I love. I’ve gone through plenty of seasons when I wondered if anyone realized that no one was giving me life.

I have felt invisible a lot in life, though it has not always been a negative feeling. I’ve been going through a phase the last few weeks of feeling very lonely, honestly very unloved. A few weeks ago a bunch of friends cancelled on me and I ended up doing things by myself that I would have enjoyed sharing. I subconsciously stopped asking friends to hang out. I waited three weeks during which my friends and I were super busy, so when I say I understand I truly mean it.

What I noticed more than anything was the feeling of being unloved. I started to wonder if anyone would really ever understand how I love to be loved? I was wondering if I was missing how people loved me?

How am I blind to how people love me? How am I blind to how to love my friends in a way they love? Instead of being super bummed I decided to sow what I wanted to reap. I was discussing my feelings with a friend and she was telling me she had been feeling the same. How sad is it that we are surrounded by people we consider our friends and we still feel so lonely? Later I gave her some chocolate. Something simple, that I know from experience feels like the world. Shortly after friends started calling and I have had some amazing times with old and new friends the last week.

Love takes energy. Some people are easy to love and some are harder. We all have our own moments of being both. It’s hard to give love when we feel so depleted ourselves. But we love anyway because otherwise we feel like we will die. But I need the love to give back. I need to be hugged. I need flowers. I need random lovely texts. I learned this month I need to love and be loved to survive and survive is what I plan to do.

photo: flickr.com/photos/borkodinus/3803172145/