I'm Off to India. Wanna Join Me?

I was greeted by humidity.  The baggage claim was filled with people from all over the world, some transient, some coming home, some leaving.  After waiting in line for what seemed like forever the immigration agent asked me why I had come to India.  “To do volunteer work,” I told him.  He nodded his head in true Indian fashion, stamped my passport and sent me on my way.  Stepping outside the airport my friends and I experienced something we had never encountered before.  India.

India isn’t always an easy place, but it is beautiful.  India is a rising power on the global stage.  The country is a leader in technology and cricket, among other things.  However, most of the country lives in densely populated, underdeveloped communities.  Sex trafficking and disease are on the rise.  Many lack access to the education and resources that you and I take for granted. 

But I wasn’t thinking about any of this as I jumped in a taxi and headed for the bus station.  We weren’t home yet.  During the five-hour bus trip from Delhi to Jaipur I tried to make reality set in.  I was in India.  India. 

When we arrived at our host’s home we were greeted by a young girl around the age 9, the same age as my little sister.  She had a leg brace on one leg and a smile that consumed most of her face.  She’s from a small slum in Jaipur.  Her community is known to some as the “puppet people.”  They make, sell and perform with puppets.  The families in this community live in dire poverty. They have no access to sanitation, very little access to (dirty) drinking water and almost no access to education or medical care.  The organization we were working with visited the community every week and brought food and vitamins for the children.  On one visit they found this little girl in the corner of her home. She had broken her leg and her family could not afford her medical treatment.  With no options they left her in the corner.  The group was able to bring her home and fund-raise for her surgery.  When I met her she was almost fully recovered, healthy, happy and alive. 

In the same community I met a woman with a newborn baby.  She explained through the translator that she and her child were sick but she could not afford medicine.  At the time I was naive to the illness of poverty, but now I believe it was TB.  Two months after my visit I learned that the baby died. 

Another family in the community lived in a single room.  The family consisted of a 12 year old girl and two younger boys.  I believe the youngest was around age 3.  They invited me to sit on their bed and immediately the youngest crawled into my lap.  He snuggled in and would not let go, his heart obviously longing for a mother.  The interpreter explained that their mother had died in a fire and the father was a truck driver.  The daughter had been living in slightly better conditions with her grandparents and attending school.  When her mother died she was forced to stay home and take care of her brothers while her father was away for weeks at a time. 

As I sat with the women and children of the community we shared laughter. Not even able to speak the same language we still managed to talk about life’s hardship and beauty. 

Before going to India I did not understand the concepts of global health, infrastructure or development.  Now I am obsessed with them.  Call it a calling if you will.   I am devoted to the development of the global community that I am a part of and I am striving toward a future where resources are better allocated and utilized, and education, health care, and women's rights become fundamental aspects of community development.  

I’ve been awarded a $500 scholarship to travel to India with a group of medical professionals, engineers, college faculty and fellow students.  We will be working two hours outside of Jaipur, Rajasthan in clinics and helping build sustainable infrastructure including composting toilets.

To cover the cost of the trip I need to raise an additional $2500. I will be able to save a large amount of this money and have already received some donations. 

My first trip to India was difficult.  I had never before experienced such poverty or diversity.  The longer I am away the more I want to go back. I'm excited to be apart of a program that is bringing medical care to those who usually cannot access it as well as implementing sustainable infrastructure that will have long-term effects on the well being of the community.   This trip will invest in the people of Rajasthan and fuel my education in International Development.   Please consider investing with me. 

Thank you,

Jenn

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To donate via pay pal either click the button on the top left of my blog or send donations to jennrp@gmail.com.  You can also send a check to Jennifer Pekol, 2615 NW 56^th St, #204, Seattle, WA 98107. Anything you can give will be helpful and used with integrity.  

 Global Impact: Experience Rajasthan
Aug 20th-3rd

Full Moon Dream Board: I Am Not A Fraud.

This week my free-will horoscope said:

Are you slipping into one of those moods in which you feel like a fraud? Are you starting to worry that maybe you're not who you say you are? If so, I want to remind you of what happened the last time these feelings got stirred up: You became super motivated to prove that you are indeed who you say you are. And that had a most wonderful effect, didn't it? It led you to locate and call on resources you hadn't known you could have access to; it spurred you to purge some self-deception from your system; and it roused you to intensify your commitment to rigorous authenticity. How about an encore?

I don’t care if you believe in the authenticity or even the holiness of horoscopes—wisdom is wisdom and this is exactly where I find myself this month.  I feel a little like a fraud.

I had an interesting encounter with my writing this quarter.  Kerouac, Burroughs, Ginsberg—they all made me want to put down my pen.  They did to me whatever the opposite of inspire is. But my Government and Politics of the Middle East class has had me enthralled all quarter writing papers on topics I found so interesting I wish I could have wrote a whole book on them. 

Needless to say, I feel very unbalanced artistically. 

I wrote an article a few months ago for Ocsplora about my contradicting desires.  These desires match exactly to my feeling of being a fraud.  How can I, one little person, want everything at the same time?  But I’m not a fraud and I do want them, so this month’s Full Moon Dream Board represents that. 

First, the puzzle and chain link fence.  Both of these images pertain to art.  The puzzle is whimsical, natural, round edges around every piece.  The fence is a metal, rigid, mathematical pattern.  Both are art.  I want to find the balance between the two.

The girls.  In the bottom left corner is the image of person made out of pins.  I often feel like I’m on pins and needles, a ghost of person and stagnant.  The girl walking down the country path is a whole person with flowing hair and is warm in a surrounding that is cool.  She is moving forward down her path to what is next.

Home.  Ah, there it is—my cabin by the lake.  (Ok, this is not really what I picture, but it’s close.)  There she is nestled into the trees and the field and I know the lake is nearby because that part of the picture was torn out and has been hanging on my bedroom wall for years. The upside down picture is Istanbul, my other home.  These represent my desire to be in one place and travel the world.  

(this post has no title)

I’m not going to lie.  I’m feeling very conflicted at the moment. I’ve been writing for two days.  I’ve been alone in my room for the most part. I’ve been studying the written word.  Taking the time to do the one thing that I love more than anything else in the whole world—the thing that I have almost no time for between school and work.  But I’ve been living the life the last two days, and will be for three more. 

I was supposed to have my wisdom teeth out but the surgery was cancelled last minute.  I decided that I would spend my time the writers who I admire and the books I learn the most from.  The first day I spent time with Steven Pressfield’s The War of Art exploring the roots of my resistance.  I wrote about the first poem I ever wrote and how a fire destroyed them all in 2005.

Today I remembered things.  I used Natalie Goldberg’s book Old Friend From Away to help me remember the things that mark my past and shape my future.  I wrote about the contradiction of my desires to travel the world forever and to be grounded in one place, living quietly day-to-day. 

Tonight, after a friend’s art show and drinks with some friends, I came home to edit these two pieces.  And there it was.  A tiny voice whispering tiny lies.  “You can’t write.” 

Even as I write this I can’t help but think that these things I am typing on this screen are not real words.  That they make no sense at all and that the idea that anyone, anywhere, at anytime would ever want to read them is absurd. 

I keep highlighting my sentences with notes in the margin that read “I know what I’m trying to say, but I’m not saying it.”  Isn’t that the point of writing?  To say it? 

I’m starting to feel crazy.  Like famous female poet crazy.  At this point I think the difference between me becoming a Sylvia Plath or a Mary Oliver is knowing when to stop and sleep.  Sleep heals everything.

Full Moon Dream Board: Prayer Flags

Last year I decided to take a note from my friends Chris and Jolie, and set some goals for my year.  I accomplished most of them, but realized this year I needed some kind of visual to keep me inspired.  I set my goals at the end of December and have spent the month formulating them into a few distinct categories.  The end of the month full moon was perfect timing to create this special "dream board".

I decided to make prayer flags, each with a symbol of a set of goals. 

From L to R: 

Morocco:  paying off debt, saving money, freedom to travel (first stop Morocco). 

"Quest or Pilgrimage":  one my writing heroes, Zinsser, said "Any time you can tell your story in the form of a quest or pilgrimage, you'll be ahead of the game."  I want to have my writing published in three more places this year.  So far, I am in cahoots with Rachelle and just found out that the online magazine I write for will be putting out a print edition, which I may very well be in.  I kinda want to pee my pants a little :) 

The Tree:  I traced the painting of a good friend of mine who is drawing my tattoo.  I've talking about getting one for so long, I need to just do it.  The tree symbolized strength and will be on my left arm.  We are using her painting as the inspiration for it. 

Twenty-five:  I made a little book out of the pages of my journal.  Last year I set the goal to read 50 books.  I fell a few short and this year I'm school full-time.  So my goal for the year is 25 books outside of school related reading.  I'll probably read more than 50 at that rate, but I'll be more focused on actually reading outside of the school world.

An Onion:  I love to cook!  Onions are my favorite ingredients.  I want/need to start my food blog and improve my skills as a chef.  I also have tons of food sensitivities that I want to use as a springboard for creativity instead of a hurdle to get depressed about.

Yoga:  My health is fine, but I my Vitamin D is dangerously low, I'm still having migraines and my body gets tired so fast I usually only last until Wednesday.  I need to allow my self the time to be healthy and grounded this year.

Japanese Maples. Need I say more?

November.  It was rainy.  I discovered gluten has been causing my migraines for the last thirteen years.   I explored the city.  I read.  I wrote five papers. 

Café: Bauhaus, Capitol Hill.  Didn’t enjoy it.  It was a beautiful day outside, but inside it was muggy, loud and just plain snobby.  Coffee didn’t do much for me either.  Sad.

Restaurant: Ballet, Capitol Hill.  Yeah, hi!  Hole in the wall Vietnamese food?  I’m game.  This is some of the best fo I’ve had.

Thing: The Arboretum.  I skiped school one Monday and Aurora and I headed to the Arboretum just in time to see the Japanese maples in all their glory.  It was a peacefull day full of romps through the magical forest, dreams of someday retiring to a bench with a view of beauty and feeling a little at home admiring the plants of Aotearoa in the Pacific Circle Garden. 

Books: Eats, Shoots and Leaves, Truss; Gluten Free Girl, Ahren; Imagining Ourselves; Sailing Alone Around the Room, Collins; Out of The Silent Planet, C. S. Lewis.

The End.

July + August = Reevaluation in September

Fall is my favorite time of the year. I love how much things change. The leaves on the trees, the way the wind blows and the way the sun sets. I love wearing sweaters and scarves and drinking piping hot coffee. People run off to the next quarter of school to learn new things, schedules change and I start reevaluate how I’m living, knowing full well the bleakness of winter and how it easy it can be to stay in bed for the long months ahead if I don’t get inspired now.

I believe the reevaluation of one’s life should take place yearly, if not more. In February I set a year’s worth of goals for myself, the biggest of which was to read fifty books in one year followed closely by starting college. Minor goals included travel goals, health goals, art/hobby goals and financial goals. In August I hit a wall and lost the joy I was finding in fulfilling these goals; however, as September 2009 hit me out of nowhere, I’m pretty impressed with how well I’m actually fulfilling these goals. I took some time to reevaluate my goals to see where I was falling behind and where I was exceeding goals.

Reading

Like I said, the biggest undertaking was a fifty-book reading list. As of the end of August I have read thirty. Since my last update at the end of June I’ve read the following ten books:

1) The Time Travelers Wife, Audrey Niffeneggner; 2) The Nine Parts of Desire, The Secret Lives of Islamic Women, Geraldine Brooks; 3) The Life of Pi, Yann Martel; 4) The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, Jean-Dominique Babuy; 5) A Grief Observed, C. S. Lewis; 6) Where the Wild Things Are, Maurice Sendak 7) Red Bird, Mary Oliver; 8) Love and Other Difficulties, Rilke; 9) You Shall Know Our Velocity, Dave Eggers; 10) Old Friend From Far Away, Natalie Goldberg

My highest reading recommendations go to The Time Travelers Wife, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, Red Bird and You Shall Know Our Velocity. Each one moved me to tears, fed my soul, helped my grieve and inspired me to live life with intensity, desire, adventure and an overcoming spirit.

Something I did not expect to happen was the formation of my very first book club. Paula, one of the founding mothers of FUN, and I started one with some of co-workers and we meet Sunday to discuss our first official book, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly.

Travel Goals

My travel goals were set with the purpose of helping me focus on what is right in front of me, Seattle. I set out to visit one new café, restaurant and do one new thing in Seattle every month. This is where I have started to get lazy.

Café: July-Herkimer coffee, Greenwood; August-Firehouse Coffee, Ballard (my backyard and the home of the Lavender Latte).

Restaurant: July-Taste of India, University District, August- FAIL , September-El Camino, Fremont

New Thing: July- FAIL , August- watching the Salmon run at the Ballard Locks

I hit up Canada this summer for two weeks and head to Mexico at the end of the year for an epic family vacation and some exploration of ancient ruins with my dad. I’m blessed to be able to head down a day before the other sixteen family members on the trip. I will use my day on my own in Mexico to drink Margaritas , review the year and set some goals for 2010 will staring off into the Ocean.

Health Goals

In May I had a very large kidney stone removed after six years of pain, took advantage of my brand new dental insurance to have some cavities filled, started acupuncture for Migraines, emotions and the cyst in my left wrist. These seemingly simple things are healing health problems I have been ignoring for years while I without insurance and unable to afford the care I needed. Hopefully we can help Obama change this for future generations.

Art/Hobby Goals

Writing: My goal was to write about ten hours a week. I have to say that I have yet to achieve this, but I still hope to by the end of the year. I also started this blog (with a new one coming soon!). I must say, thanks to Old Friend From Far Away by Natalie Goldberg, I have filed journals full of memories and emotions that someday will be edited into a breathtaking book about life’s beauty and pain…someday. I’ve also started a collection of short stories, something very new for me and mostly just an experiment for now.

Other new ventures: I didn’t know what these would be when I started this year and I must say that I’ve been pretty surprised by some of them. My goal was four new things and four previous hobbies. I’ve started the blog with a new one coming soon. I’ve started redoing old furniture, will shortly be starting a stand at the Fremont Sunday Market and buying a sewing machine.

With my first quarter of college starting in two weeks, a new stand at the Fremont Market, writing, working full-time and taking care of myself the fall and winter look pretty busy. I have a feeling that this next season of life is going to be stretching, but exciting.

*8 Things I always Take on Vacation

1) books.  On a two week trip I will bring four, buy one or two and read about three.

2) journals. My current journal to write down my memorites because I don’t really take pictures, an extra journal because I will most likely fill the one I’m already working on, and little journals to take notes, write directions or phone numbers and keep track of my spending.

3) extra Ziploc bags.  For leftover food or soap

4) Envriosax.  So handy for those extra things I accumulate. 

5) jeans.  I spent three months without a pair and regretted it…even in the desert.

6) hair straighter.  I get stressed easily and doing my hair always makes me feel better.  It’s like a magic wand.

7) a treat.  On this vacation to Canada it was a bag of dried cherries.

8) my blanket.  Down filled, suede covered…I’ve never been away without it and it’s light enough to pack.

 Be inspired by Magpie Girl and join *8 Things yourself!

Thank you Fernie, BC.

It’s the end of June already.  I’ve written so much and yet put up nothing!  I found my inspiration late in the month in Fernie, BC which turns out is my second favorite place in North America, just after Seattle. 

My quest for new adventures has taken me to Canada this month.  I came for a wedding and am staying two weeks.  I’ve seen Calgary, Edmonton, Fernie and tomorrow I head back to Calgary for a few days with a day trip to Banff planed.  I’ve seen some great friends from the New Zealand days and today went on a beautiful hike in the mountains, but I didn’t take a lot of pictures.  Pictures have never been something I’ve been good at.  I tend to write what I experience.  Memories are more to me than seeing a place through a camera. 

Yesterday while exploring Fernie’s board shops, the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory and a great teashop I also stumbled into the most dangerous of places—a bookstore.  I wondered to the back and found three books:  Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott, Steven King’s book on writing and Old Friend from Far Away by Natalie Goldberg.  All three are great books on the writing process, Bird by Bird being my favorite book I read last year.  I bought Goldberg’s book.  She winds you through your memories and helps you remember intricate details so that you can write your own memoir.  My goal in a usual week is to write about ten hours.  I usually do about six and in that time I put out about four pages of stuff I will go back to someday or post on here.  Yesterday in one sitting using this book and the serene setting of Fernie I wrote about nine pages I think are really good.  One of the exercises was to write for three minutes about a memory connected to sound.  Here is what I wrote:

            “I thought it was early to be up. The clock said it was 5:30am but it wasn’t the alarm I was hearing.  It hurt my ears.  I know what it is—the apartment next to me is empty and the smoke alarm batteries are going dead.  Its sending out a warning that if somebody doesn’t change them we could all lose our lives in a fire.  But then why is it getting louder?  Why is there a now a chorus of smoke alarms?  Surely all the batteries cannot be dying at the same time?  But then, surely my home cannot be on fire?  I ate breakfast before the smoke came through the crack under the door.”

            I also must update you on my news things for the month, Canada being the most obvious.  I did pretty well this month! On top of my new things I also set myself the goal that I would get myself into Seattle Central Community College before I left for the great wild north.  I took my placement test, registered for classes, proved my Washington State residency and took care of financial aid all in one week.  Looks like I’m set. 

Here’s how I filled the ongoing goals:

New Things of June

Café: Vivace on Capitol Hill

Restaurant: Queen Sheba, Capitol Hill

Thing: Glassblowing at the Fremont Art Walk, and The Moore Inside Out

Books: 1) The View From Planet Earth, Vincent Crown 2) All the Pretty Horses, Cormick McCarthy 3) The Alchemist, Paul Coehl 4) Thirst, Mary Oliver, 5) How We Are Hungry, Dave Eggers, 6) Through Painted Deserts, Donald Miller

New Things!

The year is half over already!  I set some hefty goals for myself in February.  Two things inspired my goals for this year.  The first was a small, but significant breakdown regarding a heartbreak and the dilemma of non-fair-trade socks*.  The other was a friend’s husband’s blog, The Art of Nonconformity, by Chris Guillebeau (which I highly recommend!).

            Mostly my goal was to be happy where I am, content in the space I dwell in—physically, spiritually and emotionally.  They involve money savings goals and reading goals.  Mostly they were an effort to feed the travel monster that often takes over my brain, but also learn how to love the place I am in, which for now is Seattle.

2009 Goals…the tally so far

One New Café Each Month

February: Irwin’s, Wallingford

March: Zeitgiest, Pioneer Square

April: The Crumpet Shop, Pike Place Market

May: Elliot Bay Café, Pioneer Square

 

One New Restaurant Each Month

February: failed!

March: Canterbury Inn, Capitol Hill

April: Fishermen’s on the Pier, Downtown

May: Homegrown, Fremont

 

One New Thing Each Month

February: Volunteer Park and Greenhouse

March: went to a play “The Mistakes Madeline Made” featuring Taylor Maxwell (co-worker and friend)

April: Seattle Underground Tour & Ye Old Curiosity Shop

May: Discovery Park (same day the bear was seen...)

 

Read 50 Books This Year…count as of today: 14

A River Runs Through It, Norm Maclean (read if and fall in love…I’m just warning you)

If Grace Is True (did not enjoy at all)

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, Jonathan Safran Foer (best book of my year so far, maybe my life)

The Audacity of Hope, Barak Obama (slow going, but made me want to be in politics, HA!)

“Vanity Fair”, Feb Issue (new president meets pages littered with pictures of a young Paul Newman…brilliant!)

Spilling Over, Sabrina Ward Harrison (under the topic of faith, “talked to $*@(#, survived.”)

Mountains Beyond Mountains, Tracey Kidder (made me want to do something with my life, like change the world)

Blue Like Jazz, Donald Miller (an oldie but a goodie…more religious than I remember but a wonderful bridge to expanding faith and thought.)

The Tipping Point, Malcolm Gladwell (SO GOOD! Big Bird will never cease to teach me new and valuable lessons about life.)

Letters to a Young Poet, Rainer Maria Rilke (I think I will read this book every day for the rest of my life)

In Defense of Food, Michael Pollan (by day three I had finished half the book and completely changed the way I eat)

Blink, Malcolm Gladwell (amazing! Again! Loved it from the first word, which is what the book is all about.)

A Moveable Feast, Ernest Hemingway (this might actually be my favorite book ever.  It changes my life every time I read it.  “My words would become something that would have to be destroyed and sometimes, if possible, me with them”)

Grace (Eventually), Anne Lamott (no better way to explain my love for her than saying I call her my Guru.  We all have so much to learn about gentleness, love and chaos.  She embraces them all.)

Other goals for my life this year include but are not limited to…

One trip out of the United States of America: Canada Extravaganza ’09! June 21^st-July 5^th.

Getting my health figured out: Kidney stones, check!; cavities, processing; Migraines, procrastinating; Wisdom teeth, end of the year. 

Starting College: procrastinating…

Take up four new hobbies and loving old ones: mostly I’ve just been focusing on writing and reading, which are really all I like to do anyway. 

Starting a blog and letting the world see this part of me:  Obviously, this is well underway. 

There are seven months left of this new year!  Get started on your own list!

--

*ps.  Chris' wife, and a friend of mine, Jolie, is an artist of many mediums.  She knits socks and I couldn't decide if I should by the fair trade socks shipped to Seattle from South America or buy some from her.  The dilemma came in when I realized that in order to pay her a livable wage for the socks they would cost 100's of dollars!  This should not have stressed me out, but it did.  

 

Uncertainty

8.27.08

“All these people who wrote of my life both inner and outer wrote with an absolute assurance that I had never felt.”  -Ernest Hemingway

 

            I have never felt assurance in my life.  I have always been concerned with how things would ebb and flow.  How they would shift beneath my feet or the room would spin around me. I’ve always been aware of how everything can be taken away.  How in my reality nothing is eternal.   I find in myself these thoughts that at any moment I won’t be able to go back home (wherever, whatever that may be?), that all I have will be gone, that those I love will be no more or at least not with me.  While I have this family unit that is mostly free from divorce and all lives in the same tiny area of the world I still have experiences of distance from people and an overwhelming amount of short-term relationships. 

As far as I know I have always been standing on some kind of dry, shifting soil that refuses to let life dig deep with it roots.  I have a family.  Parents that are not divorced.  I lived in the same town, the same house even, my entire life.  And still, security is a word that has always been slightly allusive to me.   Something in me never allowed myself to feel at home.  In my memories I only ever remember shadows of home.  Being someplace that I really know isn’t home, but yet brings me the sense that it is close.  These moments are usually when the scent of salt water fills the air and there are mountains in view.  It has also happened in a small cottage in the mountains of New Zealand surrounded by a family and fireplace.  Every once in a while I find a leather sofa that bears some resemblance to what I believe home could be; but these things were not my roots, the history does not exist in them. 

This is something deep and personal to me.  If my parents and family knew I felt this way they would feel betrayed.  They seem to have a very different view of what my quaint life was. It was full of Christmases and birthday parties and family and happiness and all these things that I simply thought were agonizing or non-existent.   

When I was seventeen I left.  I didn’t run away.  I wasn’t kicked out.  I just left and moved to the next town.  I stepped out on my own as much as I could.  I got to a point when I knew that it wasn’t far enough away.  So I hopped on a plane and flew as far as I could.  I landed in New Zealand and then found my way around the world.  I was surrounded by this makeshift family that I love dearly, but still felt in many ways, very much alone.  As I wound my way around Earth I stopped back in at home, feeling more out of place than ever.  I then packed up one more time and headed for New Zealand again. 

It was in New Zealand that things started to resemble what I suppose “home” should be, but with a major difference.  Now people who came and went just like me surrounded me, only I was planted for a little while.  Thus began an overwhelming amount of people coming and going and while I felt roots beginning to penetrate, the seasons came and went with such a great harshness that the roots were scared to grow and were never fully as strong as maybe they could have been. 

            Here I stand at age twenty-four completely unsure of everything.  I own a very dilapidated wardrobe, some books, a backpack, a laptop and recently acquired a fifty dollar couch.  I borrow my friend’s mattress and I sleep on the floor.  For the last six years I have lived semi-nomadic having slept in fifteen bedrooms that were considered my own (that is not counting three months of mission bases and hostels across the globe).  A year is so long that it makes me ill just thinking about it, therefore commitments are not long ones.  I live in a city that I have never been to before.  I’ve been here four weeks and still don’t have a job.  My money is gone, my friends and I have histories of three weeks, with the exception of one, but we have spent most our relatively short friendship on different continents.   

            For me I guess, life is what is in front of me.  My identity is caught up in what I do.  So when I don’t do anything, then I am nothing.   The part of me that is calm and rational (very small part) knows that this is nonsense.  That actually I am not what I do.  Sadly the other personalities rioting inside of me don’t spend enough time with calm and rational.   My friends are those in front of me.  I have many relationships with people who find themselves all over the world and many of them I love very deeply, but my immediate is my reality.  It is very rare for me to really miss someone, and almost as rare for me to miss a place. 

            So there a few things I seem to feel I am missing.  Security and home I seem to equate with each other.  And yet I am missing the thing, whatever it may be, that makes me want to stay anywhere longer than a couple months.  I seem to fill my backpack with these roots that long for fertile soil.  I have yet to discover a place where they even want to be rooted. 

            What I’ve done is shut the door and started over.  This is the first and only conclusion I have ever come to.  I guess the door is a very solid thing in my mind, but the things that lie on either side of that door are unknown and blurry.