Full Moon Dream Board: Lean Into the Cycle, But Don't Fall In.

September Full Moon came and went. And apparently it was special because it was the Harvest moon and it coincided with the fall equinox.  I missed all that. I've not been sleeping.  I've not been sleeping well anyway.  Have you noticed that I've also not be writing?  I haven't.  Not here, not there.  Not in a box with a fox. Not anywhere.  I'm just tired. 

So, BAM!  New month.  New school quarter. New art. 

"Lean Into the Cycle, But Don't Fall In" is based on one of the lessons from the Magpie Speak course.  The lesson was about managing the craziness that is often paired with the creative cycle.  For each cycle there is a "handy mantra" to help us cope with some of the stress each part of the cycle will likely cause.  I listed them down the right side. 

• "The right thing will come at the right time."
• "Nothing is ever wasted."
• "One step at a time."
• "Breathe the next breath. Write the next line."
• "This too shall pass." 

I find the cycle comforting and helpful in explaining some of the tiredness I feel at times.  As my gears shift this fall into a new schedule (and a crazy one at that), I want to remember to take a moment each day to check in with myself and remind myself of all the above.  But I want to make sure that the control the cycle has over me and the control I have over the cycle are balanced.  I don't to fall into the cycle so far that I get lost.  I'd like to keep my head above water. 

Full Moon Dream Board: I Am Not A Fraud.

This week my free-will horoscope said:

Are you slipping into one of those moods in which you feel like a fraud? Are you starting to worry that maybe you're not who you say you are? If so, I want to remind you of what happened the last time these feelings got stirred up: You became super motivated to prove that you are indeed who you say you are. And that had a most wonderful effect, didn't it? It led you to locate and call on resources you hadn't known you could have access to; it spurred you to purge some self-deception from your system; and it roused you to intensify your commitment to rigorous authenticity. How about an encore?

I don’t care if you believe in the authenticity or even the holiness of horoscopes—wisdom is wisdom and this is exactly where I find myself this month.  I feel a little like a fraud.

I had an interesting encounter with my writing this quarter.  Kerouac, Burroughs, Ginsberg—they all made me want to put down my pen.  They did to me whatever the opposite of inspire is. But my Government and Politics of the Middle East class has had me enthralled all quarter writing papers on topics I found so interesting I wish I could have wrote a whole book on them. 

Needless to say, I feel very unbalanced artistically. 

I wrote an article a few months ago for Ocsplora about my contradicting desires.  These desires match exactly to my feeling of being a fraud.  How can I, one little person, want everything at the same time?  But I’m not a fraud and I do want them, so this month’s Full Moon Dream Board represents that. 

First, the puzzle and chain link fence.  Both of these images pertain to art.  The puzzle is whimsical, natural, round edges around every piece.  The fence is a metal, rigid, mathematical pattern.  Both are art.  I want to find the balance between the two.

The girls.  In the bottom left corner is the image of person made out of pins.  I often feel like I’m on pins and needles, a ghost of person and stagnant.  The girl walking down the country path is a whole person with flowing hair and is warm in a surrounding that is cool.  She is moving forward down her path to what is next.

Home.  Ah, there it is—my cabin by the lake.  (Ok, this is not really what I picture, but it’s close.)  There she is nestled into the trees and the field and I know the lake is nearby because that part of the picture was torn out and has been hanging on my bedroom wall for years. The upside down picture is Istanbul, my other home.  These represent my desire to be in one place and travel the world.  

Full Moon Dream Board: Peace

So ends my four-day writing marathon. (It was more like four and half really).  I have a word count, but I feel like it is really no way to measure what happened inside me this weekend.

I lived. 

I’ve started my first real piece of fiction (I say “real” because I’ve written fiction before I’m sure, but never seriously.)  Currently my characters are still only giving me the beginning of their stories—their tragic stories.  I am begging them to give me a glimpse of their futures so that I can trust that their story redeems. 

Being the narrator has always frightened me because for so long I was convinced that God had an “ultimate will” for me.  I have come to believe, to much relief, that in fact, the joy of writing my own story is before me.  As the author, I have created these characters with names and faces and fathers and fears.  I’m hovering above somewhere, hiding behind a tree maybe, and I can see the torment they feel.  But I don’t know yet what they will choose tomorrow.  I want to interfere, to control the story.  But I will not.  It is their story, not mine to tell.  I can only plea with them…

                                             Thoughts on Fiction

                                             29 Mar 10

I want to write a redemptive ending,

But I don’t know if my characters will let me.

They’re stuck

Somewhere between the ninth hole, the Baring Sea and delivery day.

And they are running from,

If not paralyzed by,

The fear

Of an ever growing roundness protruding from her belly.

My dear characters, may your joy grow with each day.  We are hoping for you. 

And while I am hoping for my characters, I can only pray that someone is hoping for me.  I was amazed, ashamed and confused by some of the things that crept out of me over the last few days.  Solitude and expression can do that.  Anxiety has been overwhelming me. I’ve spent moments sitting silently; asking the screaming little girl inside what she needs to say. 

She wants to be accepted.  I guess that means           

I want to be accepted. 

Yael Naim - Far, Far

As these and other beautiful and hideous thoughts rage through my being (I swear I can feel them in every joint), I know that there must be somewhere they can be placed where some other power can quiet them and I continue on in peace. 

Because peace is beautiful. 

How convenient that the moon is full and birthing creativity and excitement.  I shall use her offering of energy and offer her back my creativity.  I made a box.  Not just any box—a beautiful box.  The tag on the front reads “everything will be okay in the end…it’s not the end.”  Inside this box I will place my fears, crazies and gremlins.  (I suggest taking a listen to this and embracing the restful breaths it offers to the creative soul.)  I’m sure it will fill fast but that guarantees that I can fill with peace and light. 

And so I end my evening with a cupa, a warm meal and The Science of Sleep.  The rain will sing me to sleep tonight, like she has the past few nights and tomorrow I will wake and write again. 

Live at peace,

Jenn

Full Moon Dream Board: Steadfastness

It's a little late, but all that unharnessed creative energy is driving me mad.  Last month I got to thinking about what makes me feel "steadfast."  It's not a feeling I'm very familiar with.  This month I want to explore the things that keep my heart settled and my mind clear.

The quote is one my yoga instructor said that has stuck with me.  "The integrity of your art is directly affected by the steadfastness of your heart."  I often describe myself as floating on the sea and this year is the year of sailboat for my girlfriends and I who are sick of failed relationships and are sailing on to new and better places.  I am the tree.  I'm strong but delicate and not fully budded but am enduring the winds as they whip through.  I am setting sail into the great well that is my creativity and my words and I hope to find myself there and find the thing that holds me in place and centers me.


As I go in search of my own steadfastness, I'm curious what yours is?

Full Moon Dream Board: Prayer Flags

Last year I decided to take a note from my friends Chris and Jolie, and set some goals for my year.  I accomplished most of them, but realized this year I needed some kind of visual to keep me inspired.  I set my goals at the end of December and have spent the month formulating them into a few distinct categories.  The end of the month full moon was perfect timing to create this special "dream board".

I decided to make prayer flags, each with a symbol of a set of goals. 

From L to R: 

Morocco:  paying off debt, saving money, freedom to travel (first stop Morocco). 

"Quest or Pilgrimage":  one my writing heroes, Zinsser, said "Any time you can tell your story in the form of a quest or pilgrimage, you'll be ahead of the game."  I want to have my writing published in three more places this year.  So far, I am in cahoots with Rachelle and just found out that the online magazine I write for will be putting out a print edition, which I may very well be in.  I kinda want to pee my pants a little :) 

The Tree:  I traced the painting of a good friend of mine who is drawing my tattoo.  I've talking about getting one for so long, I need to just do it.  The tree symbolized strength and will be on my left arm.  We are using her painting as the inspiration for it. 

Twenty-five:  I made a little book out of the pages of my journal.  Last year I set the goal to read 50 books.  I fell a few short and this year I'm school full-time.  So my goal for the year is 25 books outside of school related reading.  I'll probably read more than 50 at that rate, but I'll be more focused on actually reading outside of the school world.

An Onion:  I love to cook!  Onions are my favorite ingredients.  I want/need to start my food blog and improve my skills as a chef.  I also have tons of food sensitivities that I want to use as a springboard for creativity instead of a hurdle to get depressed about.

Yoga:  My health is fine, but I my Vitamin D is dangerously low, I'm still having migraines and my body gets tired so fast I usually only last until Wednesday.  I need to allow my self the time to be healthy and grounded this year.

Full Moon Dream Board: The Stories Within

Every twenty-eight days the moon is full. It is large and round and reflecting its little heart out. Every twenty-eight days I can't sleep, I write like mad and I seem to find some new vision I feel I must live. A few months ago I discovered the Full Moon Dream Board.

It's a chance to harness all that energy and creativity and focus on something beautiful. It's a time to dedicate the next month, the next cycle of the moon the earth and my own natural rhythms to something meaningful.

This month it's "The Stories Within". I came across a quote the other day by William Zinsser (whom I am in love with and plan on hanging a picture of him on my bedroom wall like I did Brad Pitt when I was 16). In his book On Writing Well, Zinsser says, "...any time you can tell a story in the form of a quest or pilgrimage you'll be ahead of the game." Brilliant. Beautiful. Zinsser, you are my hero.

This blog is part of my quest, my stories are my pilgrimage. This month I will write the words that have been wondering through the wilderness of my mind. And like the dancers and animals and ships hanging by strings, I will frame them and find joy in them. I will tell a great story.