16 February 2010
*8 Things I Need to Remind Myself That I Love and Too Often Make Myself Ignore
03 February 2010
Full Moon Dream Board: Prayer Flags
20 December 2009
Japanese Maples. Need I say more?
Books: Eats, Shoots and Leaves, Truss; Gluten Free Girl, Ahren; Imagining Ourselves; Sailing Alone Around the Room, Collins; Out of The Silent Planet, C. S. Lewis.
06 November 2009
Brandi Carlile, Oolong Mimosa and William Zinsser

What can I say about October? I feel like I had to fight to get through the month. The daily routine of traveling by bus to the tops of the many Seattle hills for school and doctor appointments and work and friends got the best of me. And it gets dark. 4:30. 4:30! It was black outside! I’m glad the weather seems to have lifted a bit the last to week reveal the glowing shades of trees and the sweet smells of apples, persimmons, pomegranates and pears.
What new things did I explore in October? OO…well, I feel like I got back on track with my goals.
Café: Miro Tea on Ballard Ave. WOW! I’m obsessively in love with this teahouse! My favorite is the Java Mate. It’s rich and smooth and has little shavings of coffee beans in it. I’m also in love with the Oolong Mimosa: Oolong Black tea, Sparkling water, orange juice, basil.
Restaurant: La Isla, Ballard. I had wanted to dine in this Ballard restaurant for quite some time. My friend Alison and I, in search of margaritas, found our way there after a movie. It was affordable and DELICIOUS!
New Thing: The Paramount Theater is one of Seattle’s long-standing establishments. This month I found myself with some old and new friends for the Katie Herzig and Brandi Carlile concert. One word: PHENOMINAL! Here’s a video J The person who took this video had much better seats that I did…
BOOKS: 1) On Writing Well, Zinsser 2) Doomsday Book, Willis 3) Short Stories: “Speech Sounds”, Buttler & “Damascus”, Gregory 4) What We Do Know, Mary Oliver
25 October 2009
The Lonely Nun
“Broken sticks and broken stones
Will turn to dust just like our bones
It's words that hurt the most now isn't it
Are you sad inside, are you home alone
If I could just pick up the phone
Maybe you could see a better day
And you won't waste away
under my watchful eye
Because I'm your hero and you're my weakness
Who's gonna break my fall
When the spinning starts
The colors bleed together and fade
Was it ever there at all
Or have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again today”
-Brandi Carlile “Again Today"
I have a theory about my blood type. I’m an O positive, which means I can give blood to everyone, but can only receive it from fellow O positives. I am a person who feels things very deeply and I expel a fair amount of emotion on the people and things I love. I’ve gone through plenty of seasons when I wondered if anyone realized that no one was giving me life.
I have felt invisible a lot in life, though it has not always been a negative feeling. I’ve been going through a phase the last few weeks of feeling very lonely, honestly very unloved. A few weeks ago a bunch of friends cancelled on me and I ended up doing things by myself that I would have enjoyed sharing. I subconsciously stopped asking friends to hang out. I waited three weeks during which my friends and I were super busy, so when I say I understand I truly mean it.
What I noticed more than anything was the feeling of being unloved. I started to wonder if anyone would really ever understand how I love to be loved? I was wondering if I was missing how people loved me?
How am I blind to how people love me? How am I blind to how to love my friends in a way they love? Instead of being super bummed I decided to sow what I wanted to reap. I was discussing my feelings with a friend and she was telling me she had been feeling the same. How sad is it that we are surrounded by people we consider our friends and we still feel so lonely? Later I gave her some chocolate. Something simple, that I know from experience feels like the world. Shortly after friends started calling and I have had some amazing times with old and new friends the last week.
Love takes energy. Some people are easy to love and some are harder. We all have our own moments of being both. It’s hard to give love when we feel so depleted ourselves. But we love anyway because otherwise we feel like we will die. But I need the love to give back. I need to be hugged. I need flowers. I need random lovely texts. I learned this month I need to love and be loved to survive and survive is what I plan to do.
photo: flickr.com/photos/borkodinus/3803172145/
