Me This Way Too

November 2008

 I see the world in color

In hues of gold and emerald and blue (those are my favorite colors)

And I know that these are all simply hues of you

That all that is right and true shines ☺

But I know that, even though it’s hard to admit

You enter this attic

This place where most days the darkness shines as bright as the night

I’ve searched for a way out

A hole in the floor

But you come in through this door that seems to only have a handle on your side

And you come

And you sit

And when I throw a punch you don’t duck

You never wince when I cry “What the Fuck!?!?!”

You let me shrink back

Into my corner

and wish that I could accept the gift of hope

from my donor

You see I gave all mine away

To little refugee from Pakistan

Whose grandma’s in prison because mama became a Christian

I gave it to the girl whose daddy raped her

I gave it to the baby in India whose mother died in the fire and just needed woman to hold him

I gave it to the 15 year old

Whose daddy dropped off another bottle of wine at the park where all the skaters go

I tried, I tried to give myself some of this hope

But I ended up on a cement floor, cold and with flea bits

And if you want to see my legs, I have the scars to prove it

I ended up broken and with a skewed version of God

Who loves you but lets me fight for myself

Because you see as much as I give,

I find it so hard to accept

Accept that this love I’m sure exists is given by God who fashioned it for me

Who knew that when I was 5

At the first glance of pornography

Knew that hope was something that would be hard for me

But if “God is love and love is real”

Then there has to be a way around this pit

I have not found it

Not yet

But damn it, I will!

Because even though I did this once,

I am not one who shrinks back

I am one who rises to a challenge

That when she is damaged

She ignores the blood

And just keeps on swinging

Because in the end I know this match is won

And even though I’m damn good boxer

I know that this is never going to be fun

So here I sit in my corner

Debating in myself this gift from my donor

The one who lends His eyes , His tears, His voice

And on the best of the worst days, His very life

And I don’t know exactly what this means

But I know that I have to fight

For me, for them

Because the least of these are worth it

With all my might

And so these colors that I’m convinced shine so pretty and bright

Are meant for you and that in giving of these things, my favorite things

Of seeing how the Infinite loves you

Knowing how my heart longs for you

To know…hope

that I have a tendency to love like this God

A God who would give His very life

I sit stunned

Because

It took me dying to see

That even though I don’t think I’ve ever truly believed it

He enters into my displacement

Enters into my innocence rapped

And He does love me this way too