The Lonely Nun

“Broken sticks and broken stones

Will turn to dust just like our bones

It's words that hurt the most now isn't it

Are you sad inside, are you home alone

If I could just pick up the phone

Maybe you could see a better day

And you won't waste away

under my watchful eye

Because I'm your hero and you're my weakness

Who's gonna break my fall

When the spinning starts

The colors bleed together and fade

Was it ever there at all

Or have I lost my way

The path of least resistance

Is catching up with me again today”

-Brandi Carlile “Again Today"

I have a theory about my blood type. I’m an O positive, which means I can give blood to everyone, but can only receive it from fellow O positives. I am a person who feels things very deeply and I expel a fair amount of emotion on the people and things I love. I’ve gone through plenty of seasons when I wondered if anyone realized that no one was giving me life.

I have felt invisible a lot in life, though it has not always been a negative feeling. I’ve been going through a phase the last few weeks of feeling very lonely, honestly very unloved. A few weeks ago a bunch of friends cancelled on me and I ended up doing things by myself that I would have enjoyed sharing. I subconsciously stopped asking friends to hang out. I waited three weeks during which my friends and I were super busy, so when I say I understand I truly mean it.

What I noticed more than anything was the feeling of being unloved. I started to wonder if anyone would really ever understand how I love to be loved? I was wondering if I was missing how people loved me?

How am I blind to how people love me? How am I blind to how to love my friends in a way they love? Instead of being super bummed I decided to sow what I wanted to reap. I was discussing my feelings with a friend and she was telling me she had been feeling the same. How sad is it that we are surrounded by people we consider our friends and we still feel so lonely? Later I gave her some chocolate. Something simple, that I know from experience feels like the world. Shortly after friends started calling and I have had some amazing times with old and new friends the last week.

Love takes energy. Some people are easy to love and some are harder. We all have our own moments of being both. It’s hard to give love when we feel so depleted ourselves. But we love anyway because otherwise we feel like we will die. But I need the love to give back. I need to be hugged. I need flowers. I need random lovely texts. I learned this month I need to love and be loved to survive and survive is what I plan to do.

photo: flickr.com/photos/borkodinus/3803172145/

September Came and Went...

My alternative approach to life has sent me around the world and amazing journeys and has brought me to Seattle, a place where I am happy and excited to plant myself. Now, after all my travels and experiences, I find myself rooted in this amazing city and studying writing. I started college and I’m soaking in every bit of wisdom I am gleaning!

All the things I was told were true. I have no time to read or write anything that is not for school. I’ve just spent the last five hours in a teashop in Ballard doing homework and have reached a point where I need to do something else. I’m so far ahead on my homework that I can write for my own good and not just a grade.

Here’s a quick update on my September goals. I feel behind the books, but my October list will more than make up it ;).

Books

1) A History of God, Karen Armstrong

2) A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, Donald Miller

Café: Café Fiore, Ballard. If you want a place full of bearded men, this is it. Good coffee, beautiful café, delightful music, many beards.

Restaurant: Odd Fellows, Capitol Hill. I had the BLT and Ester had this fantastic salad of organic greens and duck. UH…WOW!

Thing: I went to College!

That was my September. The change of season has brought the rain and the revelation of my dreams to work toward being a “real” writer. I’m excited to write my October update as the first two weeks have been the most exciting of my year yet! Stay tuned….

The Freelance, Unconventional...Monk???

*8 Things: Songs on the Soundtrack of My Life

Music. I love it. I’ve often said that in my head my life is a musical complete with spontaneous, choreographed dance numbers. So when Magpie Girl gave us our list inspiration of the week I didn’t even know where to start breaking down the musical chapters of my life. These are the moments I thought through and searched for the songs that best describe them.

1. Real Music: “Turn, Turn, Turn” by The Byrds. I was in jr. high when I feel in love with the movie Forest Gump and it’s remarkable soundtrack. I promptly bought a Byrds greatest hits album. I don’t think my father has ever forgiven me for the countless hours I made him listen to the Byrds and Dylan.

2. First Spiritual Turning Point: “Resolution” by The O.C. Supertones. The most significant spiritual turning point in my life happened at fourteen when I decided that I wanted to be a Christian. The Supertones were also the beginning of my love of ska, which would define 1999-2005 for me.

3. Human Rights: “Walk On” by U2. Bono knows he can’t save the world all by himself and this album informed me just how much there is to do and how much I didn’t know about. What actually changed me more than anything was the little note somewhere in the booklet that came with the cd talking about a prisoner in Burma that the song was dedicated to. I looked the situation up on the Internet and my focus has been on global justice issues since.

4. Upon the Burning Down of My House, April 1, 2005: “A Rush of Blood To The Head” by Coldplay. I woke up to smoke alarms and spent the day watching my apartment building burning down. Every line in this song has a meaning to me surrounding this event, probably one of the most significant I will ever experience.

5. Moving to New Zealand: “Departure” by Madison Greene. In 2004 I was helping run a concert venue and the guy who ran the place, brought in Madison Greene on my birthday. This is my favorite of their songs and they played it for me during the show. It meant so much and defined the next big journey I would be on. “I had plans here for myself/now I’m packing my bags and I’m headed away/down the river with the Spirit of God/following God the rest of the way. “

6. Most Traumatic Experience: “All I Can Say” by David Crowder Band. I would rather not go into too much detail, but this one event challenged everything in me more than anything I can imagine. It was the next great hinge on which my life would swing and nothing would be the same. “Oh did you see me crying? / Oh and did you hear me call your name?/Wasn’t it you I gave my heart to?/ I wish you’d remember where you set it down./ This is all I can say right now/ I know it isn’t much.”

7. Bouncing Back: “Big Old World” by Kate York and “Refuge” by Matthew Perryman Jones. These two songs must me used together as one tells of the utter letting go of strength. “I’d rather just kill all the strength you’re handing to me/ I’m weak and unsettled/ as I look to the cross/ Oh how will I manage this unbearable loss?” “Refuge” tells of hanging onto some kind of faith in the midst of “throwing punches in the dark.”

8. Moving to Seattle and All Things After: “When It Don’t Come Easy” by Patty Griffin. Upon my arrival in Seattle and the befriending of Nicole I met Patty. Both women have changed my life and for most of the last year Patty is the only thing that has made sense. “I don’t’ know nothing except change will come/ year after year what we do is undone/time gets moving from a crawl to run/ I wonder if we’re gonna ever get home/ you’re out there walking down a highway/ and all the signs got blown away/ sometimes you wonder if you’re walking in the wrong direction/ but if you break down/I’ll drive out and find you.”

Enjoy ;)

Be inspired by Magpie Girl and join *8 Things yourself!

July + August = Reevaluation in September

Fall is my favorite time of the year. I love how much things change. The leaves on the trees, the way the wind blows and the way the sun sets. I love wearing sweaters and scarves and drinking piping hot coffee. People run off to the next quarter of school to learn new things, schedules change and I start reevaluate how I’m living, knowing full well the bleakness of winter and how it easy it can be to stay in bed for the long months ahead if I don’t get inspired now.

I believe the reevaluation of one’s life should take place yearly, if not more. In February I set a year’s worth of goals for myself, the biggest of which was to read fifty books in one year followed closely by starting college. Minor goals included travel goals, health goals, art/hobby goals and financial goals. In August I hit a wall and lost the joy I was finding in fulfilling these goals; however, as September 2009 hit me out of nowhere, I’m pretty impressed with how well I’m actually fulfilling these goals. I took some time to reevaluate my goals to see where I was falling behind and where I was exceeding goals.

Reading

Like I said, the biggest undertaking was a fifty-book reading list. As of the end of August I have read thirty. Since my last update at the end of June I’ve read the following ten books:

1) The Time Travelers Wife, Audrey Niffeneggner; 2) The Nine Parts of Desire, The Secret Lives of Islamic Women, Geraldine Brooks; 3) The Life of Pi, Yann Martel; 4) The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, Jean-Dominique Babuy; 5) A Grief Observed, C. S. Lewis; 6) Where the Wild Things Are, Maurice Sendak 7) Red Bird, Mary Oliver; 8) Love and Other Difficulties, Rilke; 9) You Shall Know Our Velocity, Dave Eggers; 10) Old Friend From Far Away, Natalie Goldberg

My highest reading recommendations go to The Time Travelers Wife, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, Red Bird and You Shall Know Our Velocity. Each one moved me to tears, fed my soul, helped my grieve and inspired me to live life with intensity, desire, adventure and an overcoming spirit.

Something I did not expect to happen was the formation of my very first book club. Paula, one of the founding mothers of FUN, and I started one with some of co-workers and we meet Sunday to discuss our first official book, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly.

Travel Goals

My travel goals were set with the purpose of helping me focus on what is right in front of me, Seattle. I set out to visit one new café, restaurant and do one new thing in Seattle every month. This is where I have started to get lazy.

Café: July-Herkimer coffee, Greenwood; August-Firehouse Coffee, Ballard (my backyard and the home of the Lavender Latte).

Restaurant: July-Taste of India, University District, August- FAIL , September-El Camino, Fremont

New Thing: July- FAIL , August- watching the Salmon run at the Ballard Locks

I hit up Canada this summer for two weeks and head to Mexico at the end of the year for an epic family vacation and some exploration of ancient ruins with my dad. I’m blessed to be able to head down a day before the other sixteen family members on the trip. I will use my day on my own in Mexico to drink Margaritas , review the year and set some goals for 2010 will staring off into the Ocean.

Health Goals

In May I had a very large kidney stone removed after six years of pain, took advantage of my brand new dental insurance to have some cavities filled, started acupuncture for Migraines, emotions and the cyst in my left wrist. These seemingly simple things are healing health problems I have been ignoring for years while I without insurance and unable to afford the care I needed. Hopefully we can help Obama change this for future generations.

Art/Hobby Goals

Writing: My goal was to write about ten hours a week. I have to say that I have yet to achieve this, but I still hope to by the end of the year. I also started this blog (with a new one coming soon!). I must say, thanks to Old Friend From Far Away by Natalie Goldberg, I have filed journals full of memories and emotions that someday will be edited into a breathtaking book about life’s beauty and pain…someday. I’ve also started a collection of short stories, something very new for me and mostly just an experiment for now.

Other new ventures: I didn’t know what these would be when I started this year and I must say that I’ve been pretty surprised by some of them. My goal was four new things and four previous hobbies. I’ve started the blog with a new one coming soon. I’ve started redoing old furniture, will shortly be starting a stand at the Fremont Sunday Market and buying a sewing machine.

With my first quarter of college starting in two weeks, a new stand at the Fremont Market, writing, working full-time and taking care of myself the fall and winter look pretty busy. I have a feeling that this next season of life is going to be stretching, but exciting.

Twenty-Five

            Recently someone asked me how I was.  I responded with, “Oh, you know, just the constant inner struggle of a girl in her twenty-fifth year.”  She kind of backed away, eyes wide and then proceeded to tell me about her twenty-fifth year.  She had quit the Peace Corps, couldn’t find a job and ended up pregnant and married by the end of it (though she promises me she loves her kids and I believe her).  Others have told me that life just found a way of messing itself up over and over again in their twenty-fifth year.  A close friend of mine experienced not one, but many heartbreaks.  Others found themselves racking up debt, or battling the constant temptation to acquire the lives “normal” to a conventional twenty-five year old. One woman did tell me that twenty-five was one of the best years of her life.  She left me with a little bit of hope and a hug but it I have these horrible dark circles under my eyes that have appeared in the last week and I am beginning to find gray hair.

 I’ve promised the world that I would record my twenty-something dilemmas so that when the time is right I can pass on what I learned from them.  Recently I feel like life has given me a lot of material with which to work. Sometimes life hands us situations from which we fear we will never recover.  We can run or face them.  Usually I face them.  Usually I cry a lot.  I face things and cry and then I check out and sleep for a week. This is what I do. This is how I often confront life.  I call it “cut and run.”  I wonder if this actually counts as surviving?  I think I’m fighting my way through the rougher parts of life, think I’m being strong but when all is done I’m left weak.  I’m twenty-five.  I’ve experienced a lot of life in a lot of ways others haven’t.  However, I still don’t seem to grasp these things about life yet.  Am I supposed to be so worn out at the end of the day?  Am I supposed to avoid everything and everyone because I’m just too tired?  When do I start processing information as it happens and face the situation head on?

I suppose this is where that hope comes in.  Hope is not something that comes easy to me. I was born a chronic pessimist.  Trust me, I’ve tried to stop this cycle.  It’s hard but I’ve had times where my outlook has been very rosy.  But as life goes on and I continue to stand up to my giants, I find that sometimes I just continue to be stuck in this spot where staying in bed seems like it very well could be the best option.  I hate this about myself.  I often feel like my response time to average, every day stresses is so delayed that I turn everything into some kind of drama without even trying.  So I have a counselor and she informs me that I seem to have this complex where I look at the whole world and I see all these things that are wrong and I somehow get it in my head that if I don’t fix it then nobody will, only I have no idea how to fix anything.  She also tells me that I get so focused on the end results that I forget that I live in the present and until I see what life is right now then I won’t be able to grow and move on.  I have no idea what she is talking about.

I have found myself some simple things that help me feel a little more in control of my life and my emotions.  I take my liquid Vitamin D because I live in the Pacific Northwest and while I love the clouds and the rain and cooler temperatures I also get very sad sometimes when my friend the sun does not pay my a visit.   I consume plenty of black tea and chocolate simply because these things make me really happy and I believe that I deserve to treat myself.   I’m learning to take moments of silence, practice some basic yoga and am reading books that have been calling my name for too long.  Most importantly I have been writing.  I’ve written pages and pages and this helps me see that life is lived out with more grace than I often seem to think it is.

I feel like I’m at a crossroads in my life.   Some people consider me a full-fledged adult.  Some tell me I’m still young.  Me? I’m still undecided. For the last ten years I have been told, “don’t let anyone look down on your because you are young…instead set the example.”  I’m somewhere between distinct seasons of my life and I have this choice. My choice is to hide in bed or to defy the constant pull of escapism and be someone who is moving toward bigger things trying to dance in harmony with life.  I’ve stopped feeling alone in these things.  I’m sure there are more of you out there who have found yourselves at a certain age where certain things seem to be the norm and those things feel very opposite of the places you find yourselves in.  Some search for the reset button on life only to find that it doesn’t exist. 

My hope for all us is that we can wake up in the morning, get out of bed and remind ourselves that this is life and we are meant to live it and for now it’s uncomfortable and chaotic.  But, if we endure it now we’ll be the wise ones in twenty years (mind you, I’m convinced it will still be uncomfortable and chaotic, it’s just that we’ll be wiser).  Can I challenge us to plan that far ahead?

 

William Albert or Initial Thoughts Written in Grief

            Death is not something we stare lovingly into the eyes of.  It is something we stare down hoping not to be the first to blink, but knowing without a doubt that we will be.  A friend of mind just blinked.  One long, last painful pulling of the curtain into a final slumber of drug-induced coma.  After failed bone marrow and stem cell transplants he breathed his last as the ventilator was unhooked and his organs gave way like the ground beneath him, like the ground beneath so many of us.