19 September 2009
11 September 2009
*8 Things: Songs on the Soundtrack of My Life
Music. I love it. I’ve often said that in my head my life is a musical complete with spontaneous, choreographed dance numbers. So when Magpie Girl gave us our list inspiration of the week I didn’t even know where to start breaking down the musical chapters of my life. These are the moments I thought through and searched for the songs that best describe them.
1. Real Music: “Turn, Turn, Turn” by The Byrds. I was in jr. high when I feel in love with the movie Forest Gump and it’s remarkable soundtrack. I promptly bought a Byrds greatest hits album. I don’t think my father has ever forgiven me for the countless hours I made him listen to the Byrds and Dylan.
2. First Spiritual Turning Point: “Resolution” by The O.C. Supertones. The most significant spiritual turning point in my life happened at fourteen when I decided that I wanted to be a Christian. The Supertones were also the beginning of my love of ska, which would define 1999-2005 for me.
3. Human Rights: “Walk On” by U2. Bono knows he can’t save the world all by himself and this album informed me just how much there is to do and how much I didn’t know about. What actually changed me more than anything was the little note somewhere in the booklet that came with the cd talking about a prisoner in Burma that the song was dedicated to. I looked the situation up on the Internet and my focus has been on global justice issues since.
4. Upon the Burning Down of My House, April 1, 2005: “A Rush of Blood To The Head” by Coldplay. I woke up to smoke alarms and spent the day watching my apartment building burning down. Every line in this song has a meaning to me surrounding this event, probably one of the most significant I will ever experience.
5. Moving to New Zealand: “Departure” by Madison Greene. In 2004 I was helping run a concert venue and the guy who ran the place, brought in Madison Greene on my birthday. This is my favorite of their songs and they played it for me during the show. It meant so much and defined the next big journey I would be on. “I had plans here for myself/now I’m packing my bags and I’m headed away/down the river with the Spirit of God/following God the rest of the way. “
6. Most Traumatic Experience: “All I Can Say” by David Crowder Band. I would rather not go into too much detail, but this one event challenged everything in me more than anything I can imagine. It was the next great hinge on which my life would swing and nothing would be the same. “Oh did you see me crying? / Oh and did you hear me call your name?/Wasn’t it you I gave my heart to?/ I wish you’d remember where you set it down./ This is all I can say right now/ I know it isn’t much.”
7. Bouncing Back: “Big Old World” by Kate York and “Refuge” by Matthew Perryman Jones. These two songs must me used together as one tells of the utter letting go of strength. “I’d rather just kill all the strength you’re handing to me/ I’m weak and unsettled/ as I look to the cross/ Oh how will I manage this unbearable loss?” “Refuge” tells of hanging onto some kind of faith in the midst of “throwing punches in the dark.”
8. Moving to Seattle and All Things After: “When It Don’t Come Easy” by Patty Griffin. Upon my arrival in Seattle and the befriending of Nicole I met Patty. Both women have changed my life and for most of the last year Patty is the only thing that has made sense. “I don’t’ know nothing except change will come/ year after year what we do is undone/time gets moving from a crawl to run/ I wonder if we’re gonna ever get home/ you’re out there walking down a highway/ and all the signs got blown away/ sometimes you wonder if you’re walking in the wrong direction/ but if you break down/I’ll drive out and find you.”
Enjoy ;)
July + August = Reevaluation in September
Fall is my favorite time of the year. I love how much things change. The leaves on the trees, the way the wind blows and the way the sun sets. I love wearing sweaters and scarves and drinking piping hot coffee. People run off to the next quarter of school to learn new things, schedules change and I start reevaluate how I’m living, knowing full well the bleakness of winter and how it easy it can be to stay in bed for the long months ahead if I don’t get inspired now.
I believe the reevaluation of one’s life should take place yearly, if not more. In February I set a year’s worth of goals for myself, the biggest of which was to read fifty books in one year followed closely by starting college. Minor goals included travel goals, health goals, art/hobby goals and financial goals. In August I hit a wall and lost the joy I was finding in fulfilling these goals; however, as September 2009 hit me out of nowhere, I’m pretty impressed with how well I’m actually fulfilling these goals. I took some time to reevaluate my goals to see where I was falling behind and where I was exceeding goals.
Reading
Like I said, the biggest undertaking was a fifty-book reading list. As of the end of August I have read thirty. Since my last update at the end of June I’ve read the following ten books:
1) The Time Travelers Wife, Audrey Niffeneggner; 2) The Nine Parts of Desire, The Secret Lives of Islamic Women, Geraldine Brooks; 3) The Life of Pi, Yann Martel; 4) The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, Jean-Dominique Babuy; 5) A Grief Observed, C. S. Lewis; 6) Where the Wild Things Are, Maurice Sendak 7) Red Bird, Mary Oliver; 8) Love and Other Difficulties, Rilke; 9) You Shall Know Our Velocity, Dave Eggers; 10) Old Friend From Far Away, Natalie Goldberg
My highest reading recommendations go to The Time Travelers Wife, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, Red Bird and You Shall Know Our Velocity. Each one moved me to tears, fed my soul, helped my grieve and inspired me to live life with intensity, desire, adventure and an overcoming spirit.
Something I did not expect to happen was the formation of my very first book club. Paula, one of the founding mothers of FUN, and I started one with some of co-workers and we meet Sunday to discuss our first official book, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly.
Travel Goals
My travel goals were set with the purpose of helping me focus on what is right in front of me, Seattle. I set out to visit one new café, restaurant and do one new thing in Seattle every month. This is where I have started to get lazy.
Café: July-Herkimer coffee, Greenwood; August-Firehouse Coffee, Ballard (my backyard and the home of the Lavender Latte).
Restaurant: July-Taste of India, University District, August- FAIL , September-El Camino, Fremont
New Thing: July- FAIL , August- watching the Salmon run at the Ballard Locks
I hit up Canada this summer for two weeks and head to Mexico at the end of the year for an epic family vacation and some exploration of ancient ruins with my dad. I’m blessed to be able to head down a day before the other sixteen family members on the trip. I will use my day on my own in Mexico to drink Margaritas , review the year and set some goals for 2010 will staring off into the Ocean.
Health Goals
In May I had a very large kidney stone removed after six years of pain, took advantage of my brand new dental insurance to have some cavities filled, started acupuncture for Migraines, emotions and the cyst in my left wrist. These seemingly simple things are healing health problems I have been ignoring for years while I without insurance and unable to afford the care I needed. Hopefully we can help Obama change this for future generations.
Art/Hobby Goals
Writing: My goal was to write about ten hours a week. I have to say that I have yet to achieve this, but I still hope to by the end of the year. I also started this blog (with a new one coming soon!). I must say, thanks to Old Friend From Far Away by Natalie Goldberg, I have filed journals full of memories and emotions that someday will be edited into a breathtaking book about life’s beauty and pain…someday. I’ve also started a collection of short stories, something very new for me and mostly just an experiment for now.
Other new ventures: I didn’t know what these would be when I started this year and I must say that I’ve been pretty surprised by some of them. My goal was four new things and four previous hobbies. I’ve started the blog with a new one coming soon. I’ve started redoing old furniture, will shortly be starting a stand at the Fremont Sunday Market and buying a sewing machine.
With my first quarter of college starting in two weeks, a new stand at the Fremont Market, writing, working full-time and taking care of myself the fall and winter look pretty busy. I have a feeling that this next season of life is going to be stretching, but exciting.
17 August 2009
Twenty-Five
Recently someone asked me how I was. I responded with, “Oh, you know, just the constant inner struggle of a girl in her twenty-fifth year.” She kind of backed away, eyes wide and then proceeded to tell me about her twenty-fifth year. She had quit the Peace Corps, couldn’t find a job and ended up pregnant and married by the end of it (though she promises me she loves her kids and I believe her). Others have told me that life just found a way of messing itself up over and over again in their twenty-fifth year. A close friend of mine experienced not one, but many heartbreaks. Others found themselves racking up debt, or battling the constant temptation to acquire the lives “normal” to a conventional twenty-five year old. One woman did tell me that twenty-five was one of the best years of her life. She left me with a little bit of hope and a hug but it I have these horrible dark circles under my eyes that have appeared in the last week and I am beginning to find gray hair.
I’ve promised the world that I would record my twenty-something dilemmas so that when the time is right I can pass on what I learned from them. Recently I feel like life has given me a lot of material with which to work. Sometimes life hands us situations from which we fear we will never recover. We can run or face them. Usually I face them. Usually I cry a lot. I face things and cry and then I check out and sleep for a week. This is what I do. This is how I often confront life. I call it “cut and run.” I wonder if this actually counts as surviving? I think I’m fighting my way through the rougher parts of life, think I’m being strong but when all is done I’m left weak. I’m twenty-five. I’ve experienced a lot of life in a lot of ways others haven’t. However, I still don’t seem to grasp these things about life yet. Am I supposed to be so worn out at the end of the day? Am I supposed to avoid everything and everyone because I’m just too tired? When do I start processing information as it happens and face the situation head on?
I suppose this is where that hope comes in. Hope is not something that comes easy to me. I was born a chronic pessimist. Trust me, I’ve tried to stop this cycle. It’s hard but I’ve had times where my outlook has been very rosy. But as life goes on and I continue to stand up to my giants, I find that sometimes I just continue to be stuck in this spot where staying in bed seems like it very well could be the best option. I hate this about myself. I often feel like my response time to average, every day stresses is so delayed that I turn everything into some kind of drama without even trying. So I have a counselor and she informs me that I seem to have this complex where I look at the whole world and I see all these things that are wrong and I somehow get it in my head that if I don’t fix it then nobody will, only I have no idea how to fix anything. She also tells me that I get so focused on the end results that I forget that I live in the present and until I see what life is right now then I won’t be able to grow and move on. I have no idea what she is talking about.
I have found myself some simple things that help me feel a little more in control of my life and my emotions. I take my liquid Vitamin D because I live in the Pacific Northwest and while I love the clouds and the rain and cooler temperatures I also get very sad sometimes when my friend the sun does not pay my a visit. I consume plenty of black tea and chocolate simply because these things make me really happy and I believe that I deserve to treat myself. I’m learning to take moments of silence, practice some basic yoga and am reading books that have been calling my name for too long. Most importantly I have been writing. I’ve written pages and pages and this helps me see that life is lived out with more grace than I often seem to think it is.
I feel like I’m at a crossroads in my life. Some people consider me a full-fledged adult. Some tell me I’m still young. Me? I’m still undecided. For the last ten years I have been told, “don’t let anyone look down on your because you are young…instead set the example.” I’m somewhere between distinct seasons of my life and I have this choice. My choice is to hide in bed or to defy the constant pull of escapism and be someone who is moving toward bigger things trying to dance in harmony with life. I’ve stopped feeling alone in these things. I’m sure there are more of you out there who have found yourselves at a certain age where certain things seem to be the norm and those things feel very opposite of the places you find yourselves in. Some search for the reset button on life only to find that it doesn’t exist.
My hope for all us is that we can wake up in the morning, get out of bed and remind ourselves that this is life and we are meant to live it and for now it’s uncomfortable and chaotic. But, if we endure it now we’ll be the wise ones in twenty years (mind you, I’m convinced it will still be uncomfortable and chaotic, it’s just that we’ll be wiser). Can I challenge us to plan that far ahead?
16 August 2009
William Albert or Initial Thoughts Written in Grief
Death is not something we stare lovingly into the eyes of. It is something we stare down hoping not to be the first to blink, but knowing without a doubt that we will be. A friend of mind just blinked. One long, last painful pulling of the curtain into a final slumber of drug-induced coma. After failed bone marrow and stem cell transplants he breathed his last as the ventilator was unhooked and his organs gave way like the ground beneath him, like the ground beneath so many of us.
23 July 2009
Under the Tree
Writing, writing, writing…
It’s the thing that
keeps me sane.
The thoughts in my head get so jumbled and then my emotions hitch a ride until together we are all too tired to settle anything and logic becomes our long lost friend. I wonder some days if I will find a way to navigate the labyrinth of my mind. If I will find solace beneath a shade tree and learn to enjoy the soft breeze and the songs the birds sing just for me? How long will it take me to learn this? To love this? To see that it is not complicated or a burden to get to a place where I can rest in peace? My self-made drama and my extra long processing time often gets the better of me. I find myself stumbling over words and thoughts and emotions as if they were pebbles in my path and not the stepping-stones they are. As if they were merely rocks instead of precious jewels I must learn to enjoy the beauty of.
I must learn to find a center; a place of refuge. I must learn to love myself. I want to learn to be positive and embrace the here and now. I want to learn how to move on and not give control to the past or future or circumstance, but to know that in this moment there is calm and I am protected from these winds.
I must learn how to see Jesus again. I must re-know God. Learn how to be joined with them in our spirits. It is with them and their songs that I have always found calm. They are my birds and my tree and my song.
So I picture myself resting in a field. There is lake and a small stream. I’m under the umbrella of a tree, back to its sturdy trunk. I have with me a sandwich that I will eat later because right now I am following the outline of its shadow on the ground, noticing how the shades of green vary in the sun and on each individual blade. Every once in a while I spot a small flower living at peace in its own beauty. She doesn’t think much about her size or her strength or how others view her. She just exists in her beauty and I would like her to teach me. And there is a frog and a small bee.
Above me someone is singing a song. There is chorus actually, of strong voices. It’s a song that I seem to know as if it has always been there, always being sung over me except that every second feels brand new and beckons me to close my eyes and just explore its melody. The birds fly and hop back forth from branch to branch between the fluttering leaves which dance, uncaring of how and who sees. They dance because they must, because this is what they do when the wind catches them. When they dance on this wind, to this song they are beautiful and fluid. They are at one with all the parts of life they are connected to. The millions of tiny leaves flutter against the blue sky, giving glimpses of the clouds slowing passing overhead.
I imagine myself wrapped in one on a cool summer evening with the windows open allowing in the evening breeze with the scent of coming rain. There is a peace in these clouds that surround me. Peace to be lived and breathed and to be lost in. I believe my God created these things. I believe he lives inside them. I believe they are parts of Him and parts of me. To ignore them is to cheat myself and to cheat others. To ignore them is to ignore God. I believe He waits patiently for me to notice and will wait forever loving and blowing and singing and dancing until I notice and join Him.