Under the Tree

Writing, writing, writing…

It’s the thing that

keeps me sane.

 

The thoughts in my head get so jumbled and then my emotions hitch a ride until together we are all too tired to settle anything and logic becomes our long lost friend.  I wonder some days if I will find a way to navigate the labyrinth of my mind.   If I will find solace beneath a shade tree and learn to enjoy the soft breeze and the songs the birds sing just for me?  How long will it take me to learn this?  To love this?  To see that it is not complicated or a burden to get to a place where I can rest in peace?  My self-made drama and my extra long processing time often gets the better of me.  I find myself stumbling over words and thoughts and emotions as if they were pebbles in my path and not the stepping-stones they are.  As if they were merely rocks instead of precious jewels I must learn to enjoy the beauty of. 

            I must learn to find a center; a place of refuge.  I must learn to love myself.  I want to learn to be positive and embrace the here and now.  I want to learn how to move on and not give control to the past or future or circumstance, but to know that in this moment there is calm and I am protected from these winds.

            I must learn how to see Jesus again.  I must re-know God.  Learn how to be joined with them in our spirits.  It is with them and their songs that I have always found calm.  They are my birds and my tree and my song.

            So I picture myself resting in a field.  There is lake and a small stream.  I’m under the umbrella of a tree, back to its sturdy trunk.  I have with me a sandwich that I will eat later because right now I am following the outline of its shadow on the ground, noticing how the shades of green vary in the sun and on each individual blade.  Every once in a while I spot a small flower living at peace in its own beauty.  She doesn’t think much about her size or her strength or how others view her.  She just exists in her beauty and I would like her to teach me.  And there is a frog and a small bee.

Above me someone is singing a song.  There is chorus actually, of strong voices.  It’s a song that I seem to know as if it has always been there, always being sung over me except that every second feels brand new and beckons me to close my eyes and just explore its melody.  The birds fly and hop back forth from branch to branch between the fluttering leaves which dance, uncaring of how and who sees.  They dance because they must, because this is what they do when the wind catches them.  When they dance on this wind, to this song they are beautiful and fluid.  They are at one with all the parts of life they are connected to.  The millions of tiny leaves flutter against the blue sky, giving glimpses of the clouds slowing passing overhead. 

I imagine myself wrapped in one on a cool summer evening with the windows open allowing in the evening breeze with the scent of coming rain.  There is a peace in these clouds that surround me.  Peace to be lived and breathed and to be lost in. I believe my God created these things.  I believe he lives inside them.  I believe they are parts of Him and parts of me.  To ignore them is to cheat myself and to cheat others.  To ignore them is to ignore God.  I believe He waits patiently for me to notice and will wait forever loving and blowing and singing and dancing until I notice and join Him.

The Freelance, Unconventional Nun Has Chosen a Theme Song.

www.katieherzig.com

*8 Things: What I Love About My Tribe

1. I don’t think they realize they are my “tribe”

2. They come from a wide range of backgrounds

3. They want to talk about the big, scary things

4. We can never go to enough concerts

5. They are women

6. They are strong

7. We LAUGH so hard the neighbors often ask us if something was wrong because they thought they heard someone scream

8. Through all the things we’ve seen we still believe in fairy tales. 

If it hadn't been for this *8 Things I wouldn't have been able to put up the blog I did. I had been sitting on the thoughts for a while but it wasn't until I made my list that I realized how to word what I needed to!

Be inspired by Magpie Girl and join *8 Things yourself!

The Freelance, Unconventional Nun: Thankful

The Freelance, Unconventional Nun is one party cynical, one part bitter, one part wounded.  This is what I left you with last.  But I am also hopeful and thankful.  The point of FUN is not that I am single, a man-hater or a whiny twenty-five year old.  The point is that I’m not alone; I have an amazing community around me.  Like I said it’s been a long year for my friends and I.  We have found more than enough to laugh and cry about and for me this has led me to realization that what I needed was them. 

I was always one of those women who would get my friendships with boys confused (for reasons discussed last time).  I got to a point at the end of 2007 when I decided that I wasn’t going to touch boys.  This was a very funny and extreme resolution because at that point I had still never even been kissed.  It wasn’t that I couldn’t handle the physical contact, hugging is one of my favorite activities.  I just felt my friendship needs changing and knew that I was in some sort of self-preservation mode.

When I moved back to the states from New Zealand I was pretty much on my own.  I moved back in with my family for a summer and had no friends in town.  My best friend lived an hour away with her husband.  I found solace in my books and I devoured Anne Lamott.   I used the season of separation to evaluate my life.  What were the things I wanted? Needed? Dreamed about?  I started to see many of my needs change. 

This most obvious change needed was spiritual.  The practices I had been doing no longer seemed to have the same effect they once did and needed to be reevaluated.  The way I viewed my friendships needed changing.  I have always had great friends around me, but I was appreciating them in a whole new way except that now they were very far away.  I knew that in Seattle I would have a chance to explore both of these aspects of life. 

When I got to Seattle I moved into a house with three women who had traveled and lived and loved and educated themselves and weren’t afraid to speak up at the many things they saw as injustices.  They also weren’t afraid to share good wine, or books or music or spirituality or the various parts of life called art.   I also found a church community that was completely different from anything I have ever been apart of it (yet another chapter in my episodic spiritual life).   One night they made an announcement about the women’s group, Hysteria, and said to talk to Jolie about it if we wanted to know more.  After the service I promptly found Jolie and asked, “Are you the woman who has hysteria?”  (Which got even funnier when I looked up what ‘hysteria’ means.)  Jolie told me that yes, she was one of the founding mothers of the group that was created to be a place for women to share their lives, drink wine and create. 

As I became a part of this group, I realized that it feed my soul far more than a large church gathering did.   I meet people my roommates go to grad school with and have been pleasantly surprised by some of the amazing women I work with.  I then started to see how these great friends I was making are really the “church” I have been looking for.  These women are strong, beautiful, courageous, brilliant spiritual and grounded.  We aren’t an organized group sitting in rows.  We gather around dinning tables and coffee shop patios and books and lakes and wine and each other. 

The Freelance, Unconventional Nun has so many parts it’s hard to explain them all in one go.  In fact I’m still foggy on who she is and what she does but that is life right? We gather together with people in places around things and we learn about life and we cry and laugh and hopefully we don’t miss the gifts that as we women share with each other.

 

 

*8 Things: What I Know For Sure

1. I am a sensitive flower.

2. The Ocean and the Mountains breath life into my soul.

3. If I couldn’t write I would die.

4. I exist.

5. Sometimes I just need to check out.

6. I want a quiet life.

7. Traveling is what keeps me going.

8.  I have faith the world can change. 

 Be inspired by Magpie Girl and join *8 Things yourself!

A Little Rumi For You...

Obviously not a FUN original but one that is speaking to me today more than anything else.  Rumi is one my favorites.  He was a Persian Poet from the 13th century, a Muslim and a mystic.  

I will give up anything to win your heart

but if you say no,

I will accept and walk away filled with

the sweetness of your denial.

I have come secretly to seize your flame for my soul

I have come to steal from the King's treasure

but if I do not succeed,

I will accept and walk away knowing

where the gold is hidden.

Play your tricks, pinch my hat if you like

but I will walk away with your golden belt!

Tempted for so long to have a vision of you

I myself have turned into a vision.

You have seized the fortress of my heart,

your love arrows can split even a mountain,

how can my poor heart ever escape them?

I don't even dare to mention your name

and call you "My Moon"

jealous that others may discover you.

-Rumi, translated by Azima Melita Kolin & Maryam Mafi

Here is a great clip from the Daily Show that actually shows beauty within the chaos of Bagdad and shows the poetry of the past still inspires new generations to create.  (I think only American's can see the clip...sorry about that ;)

What the F*ck Was I Thinking?