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I’m not going to lie.  I’m feeling very conflicted at the moment. I’ve been writing for two days.  I’ve been alone in my room for the most part. I’ve been studying the written word.  Taking the time to do the one thing that I love more than anything else in the whole world—the thing that I have almost no time for between school and work.  But I’ve been living the life the last two days, and will be for three more. 

I was supposed to have my wisdom teeth out but the surgery was cancelled last minute.  I decided that I would spend my time the writers who I admire and the books I learn the most from.  The first day I spent time with Steven Pressfield’s The War of Art exploring the roots of my resistance.  I wrote about the first poem I ever wrote and how a fire destroyed them all in 2005.

Today I remembered things.  I used Natalie Goldberg’s book Old Friend From Away to help me remember the things that mark my past and shape my future.  I wrote about the contradiction of my desires to travel the world forever and to be grounded in one place, living quietly day-to-day. 

Tonight, after a friend’s art show and drinks with some friends, I came home to edit these two pieces.  And there it was.  A tiny voice whispering tiny lies.  “You can’t write.” 

Even as I write this I can’t help but think that these things I am typing on this screen are not real words.  That they make no sense at all and that the idea that anyone, anywhere, at anytime would ever want to read them is absurd. 

I keep highlighting my sentences with notes in the margin that read “I know what I’m trying to say, but I’m not saying it.”  Isn’t that the point of writing?  To say it? 

I’m starting to feel crazy.  Like famous female poet crazy.  At this point I think the difference between me becoming a Sylvia Plath or a Mary Oliver is knowing when to stop and sleep.  Sleep heals everything.

A Giant Step (Forward or Back? I'm Not Sure.)

It turns out pen and paper are not tools enough

To suppress, regress, extract and contrast

The fear my heart is anchored in. 

Full Moon Dream Board: Steadfastness

It's a little late, but all that unharnessed creative energy is driving me mad.  Last month I got to thinking about what makes me feel "steadfast."  It's not a feeling I'm very familiar with.  This month I want to explore the things that keep my heart settled and my mind clear.

The quote is one my yoga instructor said that has stuck with me.  "The integrity of your art is directly affected by the steadfastness of your heart."  I often describe myself as floating on the sea and this year is the year of sailboat for my girlfriends and I who are sick of failed relationships and are sailing on to new and better places.  I am the tree.  I'm strong but delicate and not fully budded but am enduring the winds as they whip through.  I am setting sail into the great well that is my creativity and my words and I hope to find myself there and find the thing that holds me in place and centers me.


As I go in search of my own steadfastness, I'm curious what yours is?

Fact.

Commas and I do not get along very well.  I want to use them, and they defy me.  It's the commas fault.

*8 Things I Need to Remind Myself That I Love and Too Often Make Myself Ignore

1.  Recycling & composting.  I really hate not doing these two simple things.  I’ve gotten way too lazy lately and I won’t settle for it anymore.  Either I care or I don’t, and I’d rather care.  It’s amazing and simple and it goes far beyond food and plastic.  I’d rather buy recycled products like clothes and trade things with friends.  I want to reduce the amount of waste I produce and the amount of plastic I use.  I would love to commit to not using plastic at all. It’s a big commitment, but I have good inspiration. 

2. Writing/Reading/Blogging/Words in general.  I don’t have words to describe this.  I’ve been avoiding writing because every time I write a little bit my head starts swirling and then I want to write everything. I literally feel my soul die a little bit every time I ignore the words that live inside me. The same happens when I start to read—I want to read everything.  Oh books!  They are my very best friends. When I moved back from New Zealand I got rid of clothes so my books would fit in my suitcase.  To this day I will skimp on other things so I can browse used book stores.   When my house burned down I had 297 books.  I said goodbye to each one of them by name.  I am often still devastated by the great loss of words in that fire, my own and those of others.  

3.  Drinks with friends.  I never have been a “going to the bar” kind of person.  I know little about alcoholic beverages.  But lately I’ve been out a few times for drinks and these times have been intimate and encouraging.  They have replaced communion in a way and I long for that relationship with quality people. 

4.  Cooking and, most importantly, watching my friends enjoy the food. I love to cook, obviously.  I’ve been cooking for myself a long time and I’m kind of getting sick of it.  Meals, like drinks, are meant to be shared.  There is no reason to be lonely.  That was my valentines days lesson.  To be lonely when there is food around is to be deprived the great richness of life. 

5.  Silence/Aloneness/Poetry.  I love to turn to the music off.  I love to turn all the lights but my little lantern off.  I love to read the words of Rumi and Rilke and Mary Oliver and be lost in the wonder they impose on me.  These things breathe a kind of life into my soul that I can only attribute to something eternal. 

6. Creating things with my hands/designing furniture/helping build furniture/Painting furniture.  I bet you didn’t know this about me.  When I was 17 I really wanted bookshelves.  I had a very specific vision so I drew them out.   They were measured to my favorite books, my favorite lamp, the stereo and logical storage in my tiny little room.  I gave them to my grandpa and he built them.  They were with me until my apartment building burned down.  I miss them.  Since then I’ve helped build other things, like houses and coffee shops.  I’ve also painted stuff I’ve found for cheap that needed a new life.  I’ve created paintings and quilts and poetry with my hands and that kind of satisfaction is maybe my favorite.

7.  Organic things.  For about six years now I have been devoted to Organics.  It started with shampoo, and then food because I wanted to start taking care of myself.  Then I started to see the quality difference.  Now I’m very aware of agriculture, pollution, waste and the corruption of the food industry, specifically meat.  I can taste high fructose corn syrup in things.  I can’t take hydrogenated oils.  They taste gross.  We vote with our money.  Sometimes it costs me more (though, you’d be surprised how much I save by staying out of the center aisles of the grocery store).  Sometimes it takes more time.  But I’m confident that by choosing to not be part of the demand, I will make a difference. 

8.  Rock Climbing.  Another little known fact about me.  I love rock climbing.  Sometimes I dream about it.  I started climbing in New Zealand and I was getting pretty good and had nice muscles happening and then I moved back to the states and don’t have gear or a climbing partner or the knowledge.  Last year I thought I would start, but I didn’t.  It’s still on the list for this year.  Hopefully, but publicly admitting that deep inside I love hugging big rocks, I will be more active in making it happen.

Be inspired by Magpie Girl and join *8 Things yourself!

Cooking with the Freelance, Unconventional Nun

Hey there friends!  One of my many goals for the year is to get my food blog started.   I was offered an amazing opportunity over at the Flock to share once a month as a "soul care provider."  Crazy.  I'm loving it.  And along with that I'm starting my tasty blog NOW.  Here is a picture to lure you thataway.

Full Moon Dream Board: Prayer Flags

Last year I decided to take a note from my friends Chris and Jolie, and set some goals for my year.  I accomplished most of them, but realized this year I needed some kind of visual to keep me inspired.  I set my goals at the end of December and have spent the month formulating them into a few distinct categories.  The end of the month full moon was perfect timing to create this special "dream board".

I decided to make prayer flags, each with a symbol of a set of goals. 

From L to R: 

Morocco:  paying off debt, saving money, freedom to travel (first stop Morocco). 

"Quest or Pilgrimage":  one my writing heroes, Zinsser, said "Any time you can tell your story in the form of a quest or pilgrimage, you'll be ahead of the game."  I want to have my writing published in three more places this year.  So far, I am in cahoots with Rachelle and just found out that the online magazine I write for will be putting out a print edition, which I may very well be in.  I kinda want to pee my pants a little :) 

The Tree:  I traced the painting of a good friend of mine who is drawing my tattoo.  I've talking about getting one for so long, I need to just do it.  The tree symbolized strength and will be on my left arm.  We are using her painting as the inspiration for it. 

Twenty-five:  I made a little book out of the pages of my journal.  Last year I set the goal to read 50 books.  I fell a few short and this year I'm school full-time.  So my goal for the year is 25 books outside of school related reading.  I'll probably read more than 50 at that rate, but I'll be more focused on actually reading outside of the school world.

An Onion:  I love to cook!  Onions are my favorite ingredients.  I want/need to start my food blog and improve my skills as a chef.  I also have tons of food sensitivities that I want to use as a springboard for creativity instead of a hurdle to get depressed about.

Yoga:  My health is fine, but I my Vitamin D is dangerously low, I'm still having migraines and my body gets tired so fast I usually only last until Wednesday.  I need to allow my self the time to be healthy and grounded this year.